How to make friends as an adult in New Zealand (when everyone already has their crew)

At school you saw the same people every day without trying. Then life gets busy: work, a move to a new city, friends pairing off or heading overseas. Suddenly making a new friend takes effort, and nobody tells you how.

The good news: adult friendships form the same way they always did. You see the same people again and again, in a setting where talking is easy, until one of you suggests doing something else. Here's how to set that up.

1. Join something that meets every week

A one-off event rarely leads anywhere. A weekly thing does. Social netball, touch, futsal, a running group, a choir, a tramping club, a quiz team: what matters is that it's regular and the same faces turn up.

2. Become a regular

Same café, same gym class, same quiz night at the local. Regulars talk to regulars. It takes a few weeks before the nods turn into conversations.

3. Volunteer

Op shops, community gardens, beach clean-ups, animal shelters, sports club committees. You work alongside people with something in common, and there's always something to talk about. Your local volunteer centre can match you with something nearby.

4. Take a class

Night classes in cooking, languages, pottery or woodwork put you in a room with the same people for weeks. Community education programmes run all over the country, and they're usually cheap.

5. Say yes to the second invitation

The first time someone invites you, you go because it's polite. The second time is where friendship starts. If you can't make it, suggest another time, so they know it's a "not now" rather than a "no".

6. Make the plan yourself

Most people are waiting for someone else to suggest it. "A few of us are getting dumplings Thursday, keen?" is all it takes. Be the person who suggests the thing.

7. Start online, carry on offline

Talking online first takes the pressure off: you find out whether you get on before anyone has to commit to a coffee. Hobby communities, local groups and chat rooms all work. When it's time to meet, do it somewhere public and tell a friend where you are. Our 10-point checklist for meeting someone from online covers the rest.

8. Be patient with yourself

Friendships take time to build. Turning up again and again matters more than being charming.

Where chat helps

If you've just moved or your evenings are quiet, a chat room is an easy place to start. On Chatroom, the New here room is for people who've just joined, and there are rooms for both islands, age groups and interests from gaming to the outdoors. Add the people you click with to your contacts, and see who's around next time you sign in.

It's for adults 18+, $14.99 once. Have a look at the rooms.